• James Neal

China Finds Patient Zero

(You better have a darn good lawyer)


Mr. Wang, you have been charged with 150,253 counts of attempted murder and 5,821 counts of murder in the first degree. These charges carry a maximum sentence of 2,215,234 years in a federal prison. How do you plea?

Uh... Not guilty your honor.

You would plea not guilty... And drag grieving families through an unnecessary trial...

The government of China has isolated the occurrence of this biological war tool to Wuhan as of November 7th, 2019. Mr. Wang, what is your age, residence and current employer?

I am 55 years old and work in Wuhan as a Pharmacist.

A Pharmacist! Bio-engineering! See Jury, Wuhan as the epicenter of this Pandemic and Mr. Wang as its Master. Spare the Court and the Families the burden of a prolonged trial and find Mr. Wang guilty of this Atrocity!

We the jury find the defendant guilty on all counts.

Mr. Wang, I find your presence abhorrent and it deeply pleases me and mankind to impose this sentence. Further, when you make parole, you will be financially obligated to pay damages in the sum of $3.4 trillion dollars. Mr. Wang have you any further comments before sentencing?

I find this trial to be unfair and the penalties outrageous! I will never be able to serve the time or pay the fine.

Oh you most certainly will serve EVERY minute and pay EVERY dollar. For this specific case, DEATH has agreed not to reap your soul until your debt to Mankind is Absolved.


If you need help doing the math Mr. Wang, I estimate your freedom to be the year 2,217,254. And given TACO BELL as your likely employment ($9 hr), your debt should be cleared in a little over 242 million years.


Use your time to reflect and someday you will be rehabilitated and seen as a contributing member of society.


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